Dalton Wilcox
Dalton Wilcox
Number of Appearances 8
Played by Andy Daly
First Episode Wipeout!
Latest Episode 10th Anniversary Part 1

Dalton Wilcox is a character played by Andy Daly. He has also appeared on the Comedy Bang! Bang! TV show.

He is the host of a podcast pilot The Wit and Wisdom of the West with Dalton Wilcox featured on The Andy Daly Podcast Pilot Project.


Dalton Wilcox Book Cover

Book cover from

He is the self-proclaimed "Poet Laureate of the West" and is the author of the 398 page book You Must Buy Your Wife at Least as Much Jewelry as You Buy Your Horse and Other Poems and Observations, Humorous and Otherwise, from a Life on the Range, detailing the plight of the modern cowboy. His book has a 4.95 star rating on, where you can also read reviews.

In the 10th Anniversary episode, he revealed he has since published a second book, titled You Must Still Buy Your Wife at Least as Much Jewelry as You Buy Your Horse and Additional Poems and Observations From A Life Still Being Lived on the Range By Dalton Wilcox Who Wrote the First Book. He is currently working on a third book for release in 2020, with a working title of If You Thought You Were Done Buying at Least as Much Jewelry for Your Wife as You Buy Your Horse, You are Sorely Mistaken and Other Poems and Observations From a Life that, Believe It or Not, is Still Being Lived on the Range by Dalton Wilcox Who Wrote the First Book and the Second Book and Has Now Written a Third Book. It is available for preorder, which he needs in order to begin writing it.

He has been known to dig a hole in the earth and have sex with it (it gets lonely on the range). He has regular dealings with vampires and mummies, whose existence is never proven. He has never lost a fight with these creatures – partly due to his habit of keeping a stake of wood in his pant leg at all times.

Dalton was married and has children. According to Dalton, his wife was "too fat to get out of bed," and she is now the victim of an unsolved murder. Later, in New York, he lived with his girlfriend, whose murder is also unsolved.

Dalton hasn't been on a horse since the 1980s.

Due to the incompetency of the publisher of his book, city slickin' Russel Shein, Dalton has come up with the The Dalton Wilcox Bookstore Challenge with the hopes of getting his book into more B. Dalton's or other, still existing, bookstores.


List of Appearances
Episode Release Date Other Characters Guests
599: 10th Anniversary Part 1 4.28.19 Hot Dog, Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber, Bob Ducca, Todd, Beth, Dash Grabum, Gino Lambardo, Entrée PeeE Neur, Prince Chinedu, Bone Queef, Kiwi Kris, MC Sugar Butt, The Chief, Lil' Gary, Bjork, Chip Garvey, Gary Urbansky, The Rum Tum Tugger, Charles Manson, Bever Hopox, Chico Hands, Bisby St. Hancock Jason Mantzoukas, Paul F. Tompkins, Seth Morris, Jon Hamm, Lauren Lapkus, Jessica McKenna, Zach Reino, Jon Gabrus, Ego Nwodim, Zeke Nicholson, Carl Tart, Rob Huebel, Thomas Lennon, Matt Besser, Paul Scheer, Tawny Newsome, Madeline Walter, Taran Killam, Paul Brittain, Ryan Gaul
589: Werewolfwithal 3.3.19 Patton Oswalt
529: Am I The What? 1.29.18 Pam Tran Patton Oswalt, Mary Sohn
442: Atlantis Dire Warning 8.29.16 Ming, Neptuna Jeremy Rowley
300: Oh, Golly! You Devil 7.21.14 Chip Gardner, Hot Dog, Bill Carter, Golly, Byron Denniston, Cactus Tony, Don DiMello, Patrick McMahon, Andi Callahan, Clive Dundee, August Lindt, Danny Mahoney, Ben Alterman Jason Mantzoukas
274: Oh, Golly! 3.3.14 Gil & Golly Jason Mantzoukas
262: 2013 Holiday Spectacular 12.16.13 Alan Thicke, Merrill Shindler, Bill Cosby-Bukowski, Frank Stallone, The Bachelor Brothers Nick LoweJason Mantzoukas, Paul RustPaul F. TompkinsJames AdomianNeil CampbellJon DalyPaul Scheer
148: Wipeout! 03.12.12 Don DiMello, Hot Dog, August Lindt, Danny Mahoney, Bill Carter, Patrick McMahon, Clive Dundee Jason Mantzoukas


Dalton reads his poem The Lonesome Cowboy on episode 148: Wipeout!:

A cowboy is a lonesome man
There's none more lonesome in the land
He rides atop his only friend
His horse, a companion on whom he can depend
His woman may be miles behind him
Sadness and desperation may find him
But a cowboy who's wise will turn to the earth
To lend him solace and even mirth
The earth from which all beauty springs
Such bounty forth she always brings
He'll dig a hole with cracked, scorched hands
Pour in all the water that hole demands
Until that earth is moist, just right
The earth'll never put up any kind of a fight
His cries of joy no one will hear
In case I am not being clear
I'm saying that cowboy is going to fuck a hole in the ground
We all do it, that's what I have found
Any cowboy that knows that lonesome hell
Can fashion a land virginny well
If a cowboy's seed worked like other seeds
There'd be cowboys growing across the plains like weeds

Dalton reads his poem There's Other Things a Cowboy Can Also Fuck on episode 442: Atlantis Dire Warning:

A lonesome cowboy, out on the range
will fuck things a city-slicker might find strange.
I am not speaking of the horse or the cow --
because fuckin' them isn't so strange anyhow 
(in the natural relationship between man and those beasts
there will always be a fuckin' once in a while at least).
So I, my friends, am not talkin' about that.
Nor am I talkin' about fuckin' your hat.
There's nothin' strange about cowboy-hat fuckin';
this is not a topic any cowboy will try duckin'.
We all fuck our horses and our cows and our hats
and our holsters and our boots and piles of coyote scat.
I've told you before, we fuck holes in the ground
in the poem which is deservedly my most renown. 
But there's other things a cowboy can also fuck;
some he has handy, others require some luck.
It is no great matter to fuck a tree, 
a wallet, or a can of beans; those things you can see.
But a cowboy who is serious, determined, and disciplined...
a cowboy like this can fuck the wind.
Gotta have a speed of at least forty miles an hour
and your hips have to have some real thrusting power.
But when conditions are right, she's a very tender lover.
One of the best six partners this cowboy has discovered.
But don't do it too often; don't get overzealous.
Because if you fuck the wind too much, the earth will get jealous. 

Dalton reads his poem I One Time Killed a Frankenstein on his podcast The Wit and Wisdom of the West with Dalton Wilcox:

I one time killed a Frankenstein whilst shopping in a store
He lurched towards me, arms outstretched, as I ambled towards the door
In my hands a new bandanna, a hat ten gallons deep
In my body was a soul which my body aimed to keep
His voice was ghastly as he spoke in halting monster speech
And I tried with all my might to stay out of his reach
He said, "you gotta pay for that," and filled my heart with dread
And then I drew my six gun and shot the monster dead
The news reports described the monster simply as a man
To keep from terrifying folks as only a Frankenstein can
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