Dalton Wilcox
Dalton Wilcox.jpg
Number of Appearances 13
Played by Andy Daly
First Episode Wipeout!
Latest Episode A Bonanas for Bonanza Takeover


Dalton Wilcox is a character played by Andy Daly. He has also appeared on the Comedy Bang! Bang! TV show.

He is the host of a podcast pilot The Wit and Wisdom of the West with Dalton Wilcox featured on The Andy Daly Podcast Pilot Project. He is also the host of Bonanas for Bonanza, a Bonanza rewatch podcast alongside country music legend Mutt Taylor (Matt Gourley) and Bonanza superfan Amy Sleeverson (Maria Bamford).

Literature[edit | edit source]

Book cover from http://andreastreeter.com/fan-art

He is the self-proclaimed "Poet Laureate of the West" and is the author of the 398 page book You Must Buy Your Wife at Least as Much Jewelry as You Buy Your Horse and Other Poems and Observations, Humorous and Otherwise, from a Life on the Range, detailing the plight of the modern cowboy. His book has a 4.95 star rating on Goodreads.com, where you can also read reviews.

In the 10th Anniversary episode, he revealed he has since published a second book, titled You Must Still Buy Your Wife at Least as Much Jewelry as You Buy Your Horse and Additional Poems and Observations From A Life Still Being Lived on the Range By Dalton Wilcox Who Wrote the First Book. He is currently working on a third book for release in 2020, with a working title of If You Thought You Were Done Buying at Least as Much Jewelry for Your Wife as You Buy Your Horse, You are Sorely Mistaken and Other Poems and Observations From a Life that, Believe It or Not, is Still Being Lived on the Range by Dalton Wilcox Who Wrote the First Book and the Second Book and Has Now Written a Third Book. It is available for preorder, which he needs in order to begin writing it.

He has been known to dig a hole in the earth and have sex with it (it gets lonely on the range). He has regular dealings with vampires and mummies, whose existence is never proven. He has never lost a fight with these creatures – partly due to his habit of keeping a stake of wood in his pant leg at all times.

Dalton was married and has children. According to Dalton, his wife was "too fat to get out of bed," and she is now the victim of an unsolved murder. Later, in New York, he lived with his girlfriend, whose murder is also unsolved.

Dalton hasn't been on a horse since the 1980s.

Due to the incompetency of the publisher of his book, city slickin' Russel Shein, Dalton has come up with the The Dalton Wilcox Bookstore Challenge with the hopes of getting his book into more B. Dalton's or other, still existing, bookstores.

Appearances[edit | edit source]

List of Appearances
Episode Release Date Other Characters Guests
656: A Bonanas for Bonanza Takeover 5.20.20 Mutt Taylor, Amy Sleeverson Matt Gourley, Maria Bamford
650: Bun Gun And A Hot Dog Bullet 4.12.20 August Lindt, Hot Dog Jason Mantzoukas
2019 Tour, Vancouver 10.25.19 Chazmin, Sunny, O. J. Simpson Dan Mangan, Paul F. Tompkins, Lauren Lapkus, Carl Tart
2019 Tour, Seattle 10.24.19 Cal Solomon, Shelton Bung, The Chief Paul F. Tompkins, Lauren Lapkus, Carl Tart
2019 Tour, Portland Pt. 1 10.23.19 Todd, Al A. Peterson, Rudi North Lauren Lapkus, Paul F. Tompkins, Shaun Diston
599: 10th Anniversary Part 1 4.28.19 Hot Dog, Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber, Bob Ducca, Todd, Beth, Dash Grabum, Gino Lambardo, Entrée PeeE Neur, Prince Chinedu, Bone Queef, Kiwi Kris, MC Sugar Butt, The Chief, Lil' Gary, Bjork, Chip Garvey, Gary Urbansky, The Rum Tum Tugger, Charles Manson, Bever Hopox, Chico Hands, Bisby St. Hancock Jason Mantzoukas, Paul F. Tompkins, Seth Morris, Jon Hamm, Lauren Lapkus, Jessica McKenna, Zach Reino, Jon Gabrus, Ego Nwodim, Zeke Nicholson, Carl Tart, Rob Huebel, Thomas Lennon, Matt Besser, Paul Scheer, Tawny Newsome, Madeline Walter, Taran Killam, Paul Brittain, Ryan Gaul
589: Werewolfwithal 3.3.19 Patton Oswalt
529: Am I The What? 1.29.18 Pam Tran Patton Oswalt, Mary Sohn
442: Atlantis Dire Warning 8.29.16 Ming, Neptuna Jeremy Rowley
300: Oh, Golly! You Devil 7.21.14 Chip Gardner, Hot Dog, Bill Carter, Golly, Byron Denniston, Cactus Tony, Don DiMello, Patrick McMahon, Andi Callahan, Clive Dundee, August Lindt, Danny Mahoney, Ben Alterman Jason Mantzoukas
274: Oh, Golly! 3.3.14 Gil & Golly Jason Mantzoukas
262: 2013 Holiday Spectacular 12.16.13 Alan Thicke, Merrill Shindler, Bill Cosby-Bukowski, Frank Stallone, The Bachelor Brothers Nick LoweJason Mantzoukas, Paul RustPaul F. TompkinsJames AdomianNeil CampbellJon DalyPaul Scheer
148: Wipeout! 03.12.12 Don DiMello, Hot Dog, August Lindt, Danny Mahoney, Bill Carter, Patrick McMahon, Clive Dundee Jason Mantzoukas

Poetry[edit | edit source]

Dalton reads his poems The Lonesome Cowboy, A Dangerous Life, and Mummies Also on episode 148: Wipeout!:

A cowboy is a lonesome man
There's none more lonesome in the land
He rides atop his only friend
His horse, a companion on whom he can depend
His woman may be miles behind him
Sadness and desperation may find him
But a cowboy who's wise will turn to the earth
To lend him solace and even mirth
The earth from which all beauty springs
Such bounty forth she always brings
He'll dig a hole with cracked, scorched hands
Pour in all the water that hole demands
Until that earth is moist, just right
The earth'll never put up any kind of a fight
His cries of joy no one will hear
In case I am not being clear
I'm saying that cowboy is going to fuck a hole in the ground
We all do it, that's what I have found
Any cowboy that knows that lonesome hell
Can fashion a land virginny well
If a cowboy's seed worked like other seeds
There'd be cowboys growing across the plains like weeds
The cowboy's life is full of danger,
to risks to his life he is never a stranger.
he knows there is a chance his horse may throw him
he lives in fear that a storm may blow him
of all the ways a cowboy may meet his end
there are few against which he may defend.
His rifle can't shoot the wind or the fire
it will not work against vampires
who stalk the plains for cowboy blood
and leave their prey dead in the mud
every shadow that moves in the night,
gives a cowboy VAMPIRE FRIGHT.
VAMPIRES! VAMPIRES! VAMPIRES! VAMPIRES!
with fangs as sharp as new barbed wire
they sneak up on cowboys sit behind them on their horse
and ride that way for miles of course
the cowboy riding unawares
until he feels icy fingers brushing his hairs
off of his neck to get a clean bite
and reduce his pallor to a ghostly white
a vampire can look like anyone
getting killed by one would not be fun
a smart cowboy will carry a stake of wood
and bury it in the heart of anyone he thinks he should
some of these may turn out to be regular men
but better safe than sorry then.
In the sands of ancient Egypt when a Pharaoh died
they were wrapped in bandages while their kinfolk cried
they were buried with their treasures in pyramids of stone
curses were placed on these crypts, the pharaoh eternal home,
but eons past and greedy men began to poke about.
in hopes of finding gold and taking that gold out
and in so doing these greedy men stirred the pharaoh curse,
just to get a bit of gold inside their gold piece purse.
Now there's mummies roaming the plains
seeking revenge for ancient pains
A cowboy never knows when a mummy may appear
which will help explain his ever-present mummy-fear
and why he sets fire to you first and asks questions later
a mummy can look like a ranch-hand or a waiter,
or a sherif or a child,
or anybody a cowboy might meet in the wild.
So many mummies who lived centuries ago
meet their end at the hands of the cowboy you know.
Perhaps cowboys should be stationed at every crypt
buried deep beneath the pyramids of good 'ol Egypt.
MUMMIES! MUMMIES! MUMMIES! MUMMIES!

Dalton reads his poem There's Other Things a Cowboy Can Also Fuck on episode 442: Atlantis Dire Warning:

A lonesome cowboy, out on the range
will fuck things a city-slicker might find strange.
I am not speaking of the horse or the cow --
because fuckin' them isn't so strange anyhow 
(in the natural relationship between man and those beasts
there will always be a fuckin' once in a while at least).
So I, my friends, am not talkin' about that.
Nor am I talkin' about fuckin' your hat.
There's nothin' strange about cowboy-hat fuckin';
this is not a topic any cowboy will try duckin'.
We all fuck our horses and our cows and our hats
and our holsters and our boots and piles of coyote scat.
I've told you before, we fuck holes in the ground
in the poem which is deservedly my most renown. 
But there's other things a cowboy can also fuck;
some he has handy, others require some luck.
It is no great matter to fuck a tree, 
a wallet, or a can of beans; those things you can see.
But a cowboy who is serious, determined, and disciplined...
a cowboy like this can fuck the wind.
Gotta have a speed of at least forty miles an hour
and your hips have to have some real thrusting power.
But when conditions are right, she's a very tender lover.
One of the best six partners this cowboy has discovered.
But don't do it too often; don't get overzealous.
Because if you fuck the wind too much, the earth will get jealous. 

Dalton reads his poem I Have Been to Goddamned Europe on episode 529: Am I The What?

When a cowboy from the American west goes to Europe
he finds things we have here like cars and maple syrup
but their food is so bad it'll give a cowboy the runs
and they'll sure get upset when he tries to sneak in his guns
in his carry-on bag or his checked luggage too
which that cowboy may not realize they were going to look through
he may spend a few hours being detained and harassed
before they give up, pussy out, and let him past
that cowboy will sure be glad I can tell ya
that he also mailed some pistols to himself, hows that fella?
in a country where nobody else is ever armed
a cowboy can do whatever with no fear of being harmed
he can take what he wants, or who he wants in fact
and no one will criticize the way that he acts
he can shoot lots of people, lots of people, quite a few
that's just something a cowboy needs to do
so Europe is awful and stupid and weird
but a cowboy can go there without bein' afeared

Dalton reads his poem I One Time Killed a Frankenstein on his podcast The Wit and Wisdom of the West with Dalton Wilcox:

I one time killed a Frankenstein whilst shopping in a store
He lurched towards me, arms outstretched, as I ambled towards the door
In my hands a new bandanna, a hat ten gallons deep
In my body was a soul which my body aimed to keep
His voice was ghastly as he spoke in halting monster speech
And I tried with all my might to stay out of his reach
He said, "you gotta pay for that," and filled my heart with dread
And then I drew my six gun and shot the monster dead
The news reports described the monster simply as a man
To keep from terrifying folks as only a Frankenstein can
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