|Number of Appearances||15|
|Played by||Andy Daly|
|Latest Episode||The 12th Anniversary Show!
He is the host of a podcast pilot The Wit and Wisdom of the West with Dalton Wilcox featured on The Andy Daly Podcast Pilot Project. He is also the host of Bonanas for Bonanza, a Bonanza rewatch podcast alongside country music legend Mutt Taylor (Matt Gourley) and Bonanza superfan Amy Sleeverson (Maria Bamford).
He is the self-proclaimed "Poet Laureate of the West" and is the author of the 398 page book You Must Buy Your Wife at Least as Much Jewelry as You Buy Your Horse and Other Poems and Observations, Humorous and Otherwise, from a Life on the Range, detailing the plight of the modern cowboy. His book has a 4.95 star rating on Goodreads.com, where you can also read reviews.
In the 10th Anniversary episode, he revealed he has since published a second book, titled You Must Still Buy Your Wife at Least as Much Jewelry as You Buy Your Horse and Additional Poems and Observations From A Life Still Being Lived on the Range By Dalton Wilcox Who Wrote the First Book. He is currently working on a third book for release in 2020, with a working title of If You Thought You Were Done Buying at Least as Much Jewelry for Your Wife as You Buy Your Horse, You are Sorely Mistaken and Other Poems and Observations From a Life that, Believe It or Not, is Still Being Lived on the Range by Dalton Wilcox Who Wrote the First Book and the Second Book and Has Now Written a Third Book. It is available for preorder, which he needs in order to begin writing it.
He has been known to dig a hole in the earth and have sex with it (it gets lonely on the range). He has regular dealings with vampires and mummies, whose existence is never proven. He has never lost a fight with these creatures – partly due to his habit of keeping a stake of wood in his pant leg at all times.
Dalton was married and has children. According to Dalton, his wife was "too fat to get out of bed," and she is now the victim of an unsolved murder. Later, in New York, he lived with his girlfriend, whose murder is also unsolved.
Dalton hasn't been on a horse since the 1980s.
Due to the incompetency of the publisher of his book, city slickin' Russel Shein, Dalton has come up with the The Dalton Wilcox Bookstore Challenge with the hopes of getting his book into more B. Dalton's or other, still existing, bookstores.
Dalton reads his poems The Lonesome Cowboy, A Dangerous Life, and Mummies Also on episode 148: Wipeout!:
- A cowboy is a lonesome man
- There's none more lonesome in the land
- He rides atop his only friend
- His horse, a companion on whom he can depend
- His woman may be miles behind him
- Sadness and desperation may find him
- But a cowboy who's wise will turn to the earth
- To lend him solace and even mirth
- The earth from which all beauty springs
- Such bounty forth she always brings
- He'll dig a hole with cracked, scorched hands
- Pour in all the water that hole demands
- Until that earth is moist, just right
- The earth'll never put up any kind of a fight
- His cries of joy no one will hear
- In case I am not being clear
- I'm saying that cowboy is going to fuck a hole in the ground
- We all do it, that's what I have found
- Any cowboy that knows that lonesome hell
- Can fashion a land virginny well
- If a cowboy's seed worked like other seeds
- There'd be cowboys growing across the plains like weeds
- The cowboy's life is full of danger,
- to risks to his life he is never a stranger.
- he knows there is a chance his horse may throw him
- he lives in fear that a storm may blow him
- of all the ways a cowboy may meet his end
- there are few against which he may defend.
- His rifle can't shoot the wind or the fire
- it will not work against vampires
- who stalk the plains for cowboy blood
- and leave their prey dead in the mud
- every shadow that moves in the night,
- gives a cowboy VAMPIRE FRIGHT.
- VAMPIRES! VAMPIRES! VAMPIRES! VAMPIRES!
- with fangs as sharp as new barbed wire
- they sneak up on cowboys sit behind them on their horse
- and ride that way for miles of course
- the cowboy riding unawares
- until he feels icy fingers brushing his hairs
- off of his neck to get a clean bite
- and reduce his pallor to a ghostly white
- a vampire can look like anyone
- getting killed by one would not be fun
- a smart cowboy will carry a stake of wood
- and bury it in the heart of anyone he thinks he should
- some of these may turn out to be regular men
- but better safe than sorry then.
- In the sands of ancient Egypt when a Pharaoh died
- they were wrapped in bandages while their kinfolk cried
- they were buried with their treasures in pyramids of stone
- curses were placed on these crypts, the pharaoh eternal home,
- but eons past and greedy men began to poke about.
- in hopes of finding gold and taking that gold out
- and in so doing these greedy men stirred the pharaoh curse,
- just to get a bit of gold inside their gold piece purse.
- Now there's mummies roaming the plains
- seeking revenge for ancient pains
- A cowboy never knows when a mummy may appear
- which will help explain his ever-present mummy-fear
- and why he sets fire to you first and asks questions later
- a mummy can look like a ranch-hand or a waiter,
- or a sherif or a child,
- or anybody a cowboy might meet in the wild.
- So many mummies who lived centuries ago
- meet their end at the hands of the cowboy you know.
- Perhaps cowboys should be stationed at every crypt
- buried deep beneath the pyramids of good 'ol Egypt.
- MUMMIES! MUMMIES! MUMMIES! MUMMIES!
Dalton reads his poem There's Other Things a Cowboy Can Also Fuck on episode 442: Atlantis Dire Warning:
- A lonesome cowboy, out on the range
- will fuck things a city-slicker might find strange.
- I am not speaking of the horse or the cow --
- because fuckin' them isn't so strange anyhow
- (in the natural relationship between man and those beasts
- there will always be a fuckin' once in a while at least).
- So I, my friends, am not talkin' about that.
- Nor am I talkin' about fuckin' your hat.
- There's nothin' strange about cowboy-hat fuckin';
- this is not a topic any cowboy will try duckin'.
- We all fuck our horses and our cows and our hats
- and our holsters and our boots and piles of coyote scat.
- I've told you before, we fuck holes in the ground
- in the poem which is deservedly my most renown.
- But there's other things a cowboy can also fuck;
- some he has handy, others require some luck.
- It is no great matter to fuck a tree,
- a wallet, or a can of beans; those things you can see.
- But a cowboy who is serious, determined, and disciplined...
- a cowboy like this can fuck the wind.
- Gotta have a speed of at least forty miles an hour
- and your hips have to have some real thrusting power.
- But when conditions are right, she's a very tender lover.
- One of the best six partners this cowboy has discovered.
- But don't do it too often; don't get overzealous.
- Because if you fuck the wind too much, the earth will get jealous.
Dalton reads his poem I Have Been to Goddamned Europe on episode 529: Am I The What?
- When a cowboy from the American west goes to Europe
- he finds things we have here like cars and maple syrup
- but their food is so bad it'll give a cowboy the runs
- and they'll sure get upset when he tries to sneak in his guns
- in his carry-on bag or his checked luggage too
- which that cowboy may not realize they were going to look through
- he may spend a few hours being detained and harassed
- before they give up, pussy out, and let him past
- that cowboy will sure be glad I can tell ya
- that he also mailed some pistols to himself, hows that fella?
- in a country where nobody else is ever armed
- a cowboy can do whatever with no fear of being harmed
- he can take what he wants, or who he wants in fact
- and no one will criticize the way that he acts
- he can shoot lots of people, lots of people, quite a few
- that's just something a cowboy needs to do
- so Europe is awful and stupid and weird
- but a cowboy can go there without bein' afeared
Dalton reads his poem I One Time Killed a Frankenstein on his podcast The Wit and Wisdom of the West with Dalton Wilcox:
- I one time killed a Frankenstein whilst shopping in a store
- He lurched towards me, arms outstretched, as I ambled towards the door
- In my hands a new bandanna, a hat ten gallons deep
- In my body was a soul which my body aimed to keep
- His voice was ghastly as he spoke in halting monster speech
- And I tried with all my might to stay out of his reach
- He said, "you gotta pay for that," and filled my heart with dread
- And then I drew my six gun and shot the monster dead
- The news reports described the monster simply as a man
- To keep from terrifying folks as only a Frankenstein can