Al Amadeus Peterson is a character played by Paul F. Tompkins. He is known as the "Smooth Criminal" because he is a convicted felon and is also completely hairless. He is hairless because he faked alopecia to get out of a long-term relationship with his previous girlfriend, Carlifer, which is a clumsy portmanteau of her parents' names, Carl and Jennifer. One night at dinner, he told Carl his feelings about the clumsy portmanteau, and Carl, a sniveling worm, thanked him. This all occurred while Jennifer was drinking her third bottle of vermouth of the evening.
Al runs a business that helps people fake their own deaths, advising his clients to shave virtually all of their body hair and giving them a fake passport. After that, they're on their own. He also has a seasonal business during the Holidays that helps keep the wonder of Santa Claus alive for young children. All the parents have to do is shave all of their hair (retaining, of course, their anus hair), and wear a Santa costume. Al, in an astoundingly quick turnaround, then makes a wig out of the now shaved hair.
